Once I found meditation, I found that it seemed to negate or stave off the effects of my “bad living.”
Meditation has kept my body healthier & more youthful than if I hadn’t meditated as well as allocated and allowed me a lot of wriggle room for cheating. How I have cheated was that I had been able to do drugs, drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, overeat and eat just about anything that I knew was not good for my body. Cheating for me was living a life of half commitment: Half committed to living a greater life I know I could live; and the one that was totally about immediate gratification and superficial fun. Sometime, when I was younger, I became addicted to the chaos the things I ingested and the relationships I was in and this created the necessity to meditate. Once I found meditation, I found that it seemed to negate or stave off the effects of my “bad living.” WINNING!
The drug days in my life were chronicled in my two novels, Mafia Hairdresser and The Glow Stick Gods, but they didn’t tell the real story of me. Both books humorously tell the reader the fictional-me, a flippant happy-go-lucky victim of desire to experience what many people feared and should fear, such as working for cocaine trafficking couple and traveling around the world as a A-list party-boy playing with drugs like a mixologist does with a cocktail shaker. However, in real life, the true story was that I never did as many drugs and was never as reckless with my health as my “character.” How could I have written clear chronicles of a life lived in the 80s (Mafia Hairdresser) and 90’s (The Glow Stick Gods) if I was actually that guy? The fact is, that, through the 80’s, 90’s and the first decade of the 2000’s, I also didn’t get drunk (much) or smoke regularly and I only battled food addiction on occasion after a romantic breakup which begot IBS symptoms.
“…through meditation, I began to receive the message that enough was enough.”
Cut to now: I have been practicing mediation, visualization and Power Prayer regularly for a couple of decades. And, yet, I had a very recent bout with my stomach. Because I had let the food, drink and smoke come into my life too much around the holidays, my old IBS symptoms flared up. So, I meditated, and Power Prayed and visualized myself healthy again and I committed to two months of eating only healthy food in suitable proportions. I gave up my occasional “I just need a cigarette” moments and I gave up alcohol; which was already down to two or three drinks a week, if that.
After the two months, my body was working optimally. Digestion, skin, taste, smell, hearing and even my sight was better. It is true that when your gut is working, everything is better. I even stopped taking daily Zyrtec pills for allergies and I hardly wore my glasses for the -1.50 vision in both eyes. But then I began to “reward” myself with the occasional cocktail and the “I deserve it” whole pizza with desert; which I ate so fast that my stomach wouldn’t have time to tell me that it was over-capacitated.
I began to feel lethargic and sleepy in my daylight hours and then I turned to my daily meditation practice. Can you say: YoYo? Through meditation, I began to receive the message that enough was enough. It was time for me to realize that the chaos that I have put my body through over the years was no longer going to be categorized under the illusion of, “I can get away with this.” I had been able to get away with a lot in my lifetime though what, I called, “moderation.” (If you compared my ingestion habits to “real” drug, chemical, food or alcohol addicts.) I believe it has been through meditation that I have been able to stave off text-book addictions. And mediation has healed me when things did get the best of me. The message that enough was enough irrevocably implied I am addicted to the chaos of what I do to my body and my life and I’m also addicted to waking up every day to fix things the things I break down.
“I have always achieved out of chaos.”
For me, chaos and its payoffs comes in many forms. I have used the chaos to have something to write about such as in my novels and my one non-fiction book called, It Sucks to be 50. Chaos has been the relationships in my life. The relationships and the men in my life were wonderful, but my lack of commitment to being truly happy in them resulted in breakups which begot juicier relatable writings.
Chaos has also been career and finance. I’ve always lived in fabulous homes. I dine in fabulous restaurants. I have and, I believe, will always have everything that I want and need and then some. But I have always achieved out of chaos. Instead of saving for furniture and a big move to a new condo, I would, suddenly, have to move and would have to manifest quickly with much stress and strategy. Normal chaos for me! 3 years ago, in one month, I was abruptly single after a 5-year run, so I had to move. A week before I had also dissolved a business partnership and I opened two new businesses, one out necessity. Because I was a doer and a great manifestor and a meditator, in one month, with practically no money, I was living in yet another “dream apartment” and thriving with two new business ventures (I’ve had many). I have always loved challenge and pressure!
To say that I have had a Guardian Angel looking out for me would not be giving myself credit. [And yes, I believe in and communicate with my Guardian Angel regularly. (Thanks, buddy!)] I pat myself on the back for being truthful with myself today. I’m admitting to myself that I have enjoyed the pain and suffering that I have cause in my life. I have enjoyed the drugs in the 90’s and the gluttonous meals I have piled into my reluctantly compliant tummy as well as the one carton of cigarettes, on average, I’ve smoked a every year of my life since I was 13. Oh, and I shouldn’t be proud of the fact that I used to be able to outdrink men twice my size and would hardly ever appear overly drunk or messy: but I am sort of proud of this! BTW< Those who drink should forgo the sugary mixed drinks and beer or cheap wine. Drink Vodka and Bourbon straight up like I have and follow my rules: Eat before and after drinking and always leave the party if you feel like you’re getting out of control. But, then again, you’ll probably become an addict and/or alcoholic if alcohol becomes your social crutch. [And, you’re probably not into meditation nor were you blessed genes and a Guardian Angel like mine.]
“I am not writing this to help you or inspire you to meditate or use visualization in your life..”
I’ve been addicted to the cycle of chaos by hurting my body with food, drink and smoking and then having to meditate, heal and then write about it. I’m addicted to scrambling for money and the material things I want to own by macro-managing my goals and careers in short hurried bursts of visualization and manifestation. But I’m over this shit. And I’m also tired of getting into relationships that could have been wonderful had I not been addicted to judgment which is chaos.
How did I get to this moment of truthfulness for myself? Again: Meditation. I believe mediation has kept me, not only alive, but has healed me, many times. Meditation and Visualization have been the tools that I have used to manifest what I have needed and wanted, even when I was letting the chaos in to my life. Through mediation, I have slowly, over the years, shed drugs, depression and pain in my body, not effortlessly, but with much more ease than if I had not meditated.
But when you meditate, to reach a calming “nothingness,” or when one visualizes, for goals or positive outcomes to situations, messages will come through to your conscious mind. I have not avoided the messages that have told me, many times, that I am addicted to chaos. I was just more fearful of what my life would be without the chaos. So, I kept doing what I always did: peddled my chaos-cycle instead of committing to living a life greater – which was an unknown. I let myself succumb to the fear of not knowing what it would be like to not have to fix, repair, heal or scramble and then write about it. Truth be told: I have truly enjoyed the false and immediate rewards of physical and mental stimulation that food, drink and achieving seemingly impossible tasks I have received.
I am not writing this to help you or inspire you to meditate or use visualization in your life, nor would I want you to take my drinking advice to be able to drink with the “big boys.” I am writing this because I want my writing to be something that I do after I’ve lived a week or a month or a year of a greater life. Then I want to share it with the world; like I used to do out of chaos;. I want to replace the writing I used to do after my bouts of instant-gratification and subsequent healing as well as self-imposed relationship chaos. I do want to share experiences that will help people and not just tantalize them like my past books. I now want more than to continue doing what I have always done. I guess I am writing this because I want to tell you that you can achieve your goals, such as career, relationships & health with meditation and visualization. Yet, another byproduct of using these tools will bring up your personal issues like the one/s I’m talking to you about myself. You’ll reach your goals, but you might have to tackle some personal issues to be a better goal achiever; as well as enjoy your goal achievement – better.
This will be an ongoing growth cycle for me that I will keep writing about it and I’m certainly not afraid that I will lose my “edge” or snarkness in my prose nor will I lack of topics to write about. But, at the time of this writing, I do have a tinge of fear of unknowns. And questions pop up in my head such as – What will life look like if I decide I will not drink at all? Even one drink now-a-days fubs-up my meditations and spiritual practice the next day and I run the risk of IBS symptoms, so, what am I afraid of? What kind of relationship could I look forward to if it’s not like my past ones? – I have everything I need and want and I have cash flow, BUT, I believe in prosperity, savings accounts and financial planning, AND YET, do I really have to take my own advice for others? These are some of topics that my meditations and visualizations have come up for me to tackle and write about and I’m taking on those challenges. I guess I’m really coming out to myself and facing growth and truths as well as using you, the reader, as witness to my impending commitment to living life greater and better. So, thank you. You don’t have to say anything. (But feel free to comment in the comment section below.)
Addressing, and facing my truth about my addiction to chaos should have occurred after my two months of self-care that I told you about. I was thinking about it. But there was another idea that came to me within that two months of eating right and focusing on my health. As I have overstated, I mediate and I visualize goals and healing with phenomenal results, but not solely out of need or chaos. In fact, I’ve helped many people and accomplished many goals, such as writing books and embracing new careers with my practice of mediation and visualization. The idea that came to me was to produce my first Udemy course entitled, Goal Visualization. I guess I had been thinking about this for a long time but it was through this period when an online friend named, Ros Place, recommend that I do a Udemy course.
I had met Ros through her YouTube Guided Visualizations with Archangels. At the time, I did not believe in or have experience with Archangels but I was learning how to align and cleanse my chakras through chanting and guided visualizations when I came across her YouTube playlists. Each Visualization that I listened to was with an Archangel. In her Visualizations, she explained that each Archangel had a special energy and color in which to focus and visualize and I equated this energy and color to chakras. Her voice and sincerity as well and all of her visualizations had a positive effect on my health, my happiness, my attitude and my whole life. After about a year, I enrolled in a few of her Udemy classes such as Spiritual Development with Archangels and her Oracle Card Academy classes. [I told you: I talk to Angels.] One of the messages that came to me during my self-caring time (other than the often, “Heal Away Your Addictions”) was the same as what Ros said to me, “You should do a Udemy class too.” (click) If you want to know more about Ros Place you can go to: Angels-With-Ros.com. And do listen to her Archangel Visualizations. I can guarantee you that you can begin to heal and change anything in your life with her YouTube playlists.
“And then, the unthinkable happened.”
With the advice coming in to produce a course from my subconscious, from above and the United Kingdom (where Ros Place resides) I decided to take a day out my life of social media consulting or doing hair (13 hrs a week) to jot down a few notes of what my course might be about. Although, I think, that Ros Place may have thought I would produce a social media tutorial, which, would have been a logical choice being that I’ve been social media consulting for so long; that is not what I wanted to do. Because of the mind pollution of social media, politics, fake news as well as inflation, lack of health insurance for all and a diminishing middle class and so forth, I felt a needed to share something that could help people, not only cope but to flourish. I wanted reach people on a deeper level than teaching people and brands how to market themselves via the internet. I also wanted to write something other than social media, getting older or captivating readers by showing what it was like to work in organized crime or feel like a popular head cheerleader and eternally young at ecstasy parties.
In just one day, I had more than enough written to produce 3 courses! To say that I felt that I had channeled a higher power to receive the words that I wrote down on that page that day would have been an understatement. I truly felt guided! And then the work began and that is also when the chaos, that I had never fully addressed and that was waiting patiently inside of me, began to creep into my daily life again. First it was a sugar binge after a long night of writing, website building, producing, filming and editing. (I had never had sugar binge urges before!) Then it was another nightcap of Red Vines and Spree candies which was certainly better than that occasional cigarette or highball, ryeet?! Yeah-no. The sugar was the same thing as the instant gratification and body-mood sensation shifting as a cigarette or alcohol. And then I got hooked on coffee. After over 30 years of NOT drinking coffee, I became a four cup a day guy. And, I was working hard on my course and when “I just needed a break,” instead of doing something healthy, I turned to food. Then I craved carbs. Then I had a drink or two a week…
And then, the unthinkable happened. My computer disc became corrupted. All the videos for my brand, SalonSpa.Chat and a few of my client’s videos that I produced, as well a bunch of interviews I did for content were all destroyed. Yes, I had backup. But the original videos were processed and filed in a corrupted disk and then saved to an external backup. It was only apparent after the whole disc went kaput. That’s when I picked up a pack of cigarettes and I didn’t stop smoking for a month. Think about it!: You can’t be a tragic writer/producer-type without looking the part, ay? But seriously, this incident made me mad. It also made me real sad. And then I felt myself getting into a familiar fight or flight mode over the issue. Should I just throw in the towel and forget the whole thing? Was the Universe trying to tell me to stick with my old job? Naw. Of course, I chose to fight! because that is what I’m great at! I would dust myself off and fix it all. And I did. I re-did my entire course, Goal Visualization.
I was almost finished re-producing a course which, originally, should have taken three months, instead of 5, and I felt I needed a little reward. Maybe a drink? Another cigarette? A steak dinner? No. Instead I went to bed, for like two days! I was exhausted. And then, I meditated. In the morning, I walked my dog, Junebug. When I came back to my apartment I sat down and wrote what you are reading right now. In that one meditation, I let the messages come to me, loud and clear. This time, I listened and committed. It’s time to let go of the chaos. Simple? Sure. But I’ve had lots of practice and I knew this day was coming. And I have the practice of mediation and I have Angels and great friends! And I my rock bottom wasn’t horrible. I’m rested.
Happily, the unhealthy chaos had never got to a point where I felt I would need to “repair.” In fact, I’m better than good and I feel great. And I look forward finding out what it’s like to live a greater life. But it is interesting that chaos creeped up on me again during a time of great creative process, mediation and visualization. Had I always had one leg over the fence in “Russia” and one leg over the fence in the “U.S.?” The answer is yes. I have been a cheater and have always been a cheater by doing what I want, when I wanted, and getting away with it by calculated moderation, selected commitments to professionalism and then using my spirituality or metaphysics and meditation to repair what damage I had done. Why? Because it was fun and I could, and that is the only excuse I have at the moment. Of course, I’ll have to meditate on and address my addiction to chaos so that I never have to deal with it again. Sugar, coffee, cigarettes, food etc.: you were never the problems but the symptoms.
By the way, if you think I’m suggesting thoughts of the 45th President of the United states in that last paragraph, I’ll just say that I’m channeling something greater than myself today. BUT, we are both Gemini and that Gemini and his politics have, indeed, inspired me to want to help people with my course. I think this just goes to show you that anyone can, on one hand, achieve great things in your life, and, yet you could really “F” things up if you don’t address your inner demons like an addiction to chaos. My Power Prayer for that Gemini and for the people who take my course is that he gets into mediation too. We could help the world.